One trend we’ve noticed over the years is we’ll see some couples who seem to have fallen into what we call the ‘playful insult’ trap. It happens where couples will have an obvious attraction for each other, but for whatever reason have an affliction to affection and rather than show love, they choose to ‘playfully’ insult each other. Although we generally really try to avoid stereotypes, it does seem this activity is much more prevalent in younger couples.
Our thought is that this affliction to affection is based on some sort of “It’s not cool” vibe to be positive about your mate. Certainly, entertainment options from Hollywood and other media outlets always seem to need to have love conflict to sell their products. While conflict sells movies, it doesn’t have to be that way and certainly in our non-Hollywood lives, conflict is something to be avoided. Just about any mental health guide will always advise trying to reduce stress whenever possible. In our opinion, these ‘playful’ insults really do not help a relationship and only increase stress level. While the partner may be just ‘trying to have fun,’ insults always hurt.
Often, we’ll also see a reluctance for spouses to speak positively of each other. Again, it seems to go back to some unwritten, ‘its not cool’ vibe to speak positively of your partner. No doubt, the high divorce rate for primary marriages at over 55% doesn’t help things, but in our view, having a positive image of your spouse is an absolute requirement for a happy relationship and espousing the positive virtues of your spouse builds the bond.
In the years we’ve been together and observed many couples that have been together for years and also observed more than our share of breakups, we can now almost always predict which couples will stay together and which won’t. Certainly, the couples we see that do the ‘playful insult’ are the ones we generally peg for not making it long term. Consequently, those that compliment their spouses are the ones that make it for many years. We were out recently with friends and spent time with a couple that have been married for over 30 years with three grown children. We always compliment those type of people that made it work the first time around since it took Melissa and I twice to get it right. The husband said, “It’s been easy for us.” I laughed and mentioned that we’re writing a blog right now called “Marriage is Easy.” But his statement reflected a lot of what we’re saying. Both spouses had only good things to say about each other. They spent 30 years raising children, moving to different places, with different jobs and all the stresses that come with that, but their relationship was their anchor. They appear as happy today as at any point in their lives. While we have not been together for as long, it’s exactly how Melissa and I feel.
Relationships are made strong by affirmation, not by insults. The good news is if you’re in the insult trap, you can change today! But it’s important to ensure that you affirm your partner both in private and in public.
It started after we first got married. Melissa did something nice for me and I said, “You’re the best babe.” She immediately replied, “Because I’m with the best.” It made us both smile and now it’s something that we say all the time. The great part is that even though we say it often, we always mean it and never take each other for granted.
While we do that in private, it is also very important to always acknowledge your mate positively in public. I get my haircut from a very sweet woman who is much younger than me. Over several years of discussions while getting my hair cut, she knows how strongly I feel about Melissa. She is always very positive and always asks, “How’s Melissa?” My response is always, “She is great and I’m a very lucky man.” The good part is I mean it. By publicly sharing my feelings, it reaffirms our relationship. Anyone who asks me about Melissa gets some version of the same answer. And Melissa tells me she does the same at times when we are not together (which is not often!). And quite frankly, there is not much better when someone else tells you that your spouse was singing your praises when you were not around.
While the focus of this blog is avoiding ‘playful insults’, it should be highly noted that ANY type of insult is damaging to a relationship. Avoid insults at all costs. In particular, when eventual disagreements occur, do everything in your power to, as it’s written in many therapy guides, “Attack the problem, not the person.” You can disagree without insulting your partner because of their view. Couples will have disagreements, but never ever insult your partner during an argument. It is hurtful and breeds resentment, which adversely affects every relationship. And insults are MUCH harder to recover from and forgive than differences of opinion.
So, in conclusion, do everything you can to avoid any type of insult at any time, but particularly in public. Insults are hurtful whether ‘playful’ or truly mean spirited. Long-lasting relationships are built on love and affirmation of your partner. Tell your partner all the time how glad you are that they are your partner/spouse. If both partners feel the same, the words come easy. Say the words often and all the time. In a positive balanced relationship, there is never too much affirmation of the relationship and each other.
DISCLAIMER: Neither Melissa or Kurt are trained therapists or marriage counselors. We are simply sharing our thoughts on what has worked for us over our 10 years of marriage and enabled us to be more in love today than the day we got married. We also learned a lot from previous unsuccessful marriages and are sharing some of those lessons.