There is no doubt that Respect is another key element of any successful relationship. But what does respect mean? What does respect look like?
There are no doubt many opinions on this topic, and there is an old saying about respect being earned not being automatic. There is some truth to that, but in our opinion, by the time you have decided to make your partner a permanent part of your life, either through marriage or a long-term commitment, respect has already been earned and should be easy.
Respect means that you appreciate all parts of your partner, from who they are as a person, how they act and what they do for a living. If you don’t respect your partner for all those things, you probably should not be together.
So, lets start with respect for who they are as a person. There are all kinds of different personalities in people and its truly what makes the world go around. If we were all the same, it would be very boring. There are different personality types that we’re all drawn to based on who we are. But to be in a successful relationship or marriage, you must respect who your partner is, whether it be outgoing and sociable or shy and reserved. You should love your partner for who they ARE, not who you want them to be. Respect in this aspect means appreciating you partner for their qualities and ensuring they know it. Even if one partner’s personality is different, each partner should appreciate the other. If one partner is outgoing and one isn’t, there should never be any criticism.
Similar to personality traits, we should always respect how our partner acts both in private and in public. There are some similarities to the above, but its important to appreciate your partner for how they act both towards you, towards family, to friends, business associates and even total strangers. There is a first date relationship meme out there that talks about “I don’t care how much money you have; I can tell who you are by how you treat the waiter.” There is much truth to this statement and again you should appreciate how your partner treats others in public. If you are with someone who doesn’t treat the waiter well and you don’t like it, that is probably not the person for you. And no doubt, how your partner treats kids and family is super important. Not all families are going to mesh and there are probably WAY more families that could be on the Jerry Springer show than we all would want to admit, but how someone acts even in adverse conditions speaks to who they are. Your partner should be able to navigate adverse circumstances and appreciation should always be shown. And of course, most importantly, how your partner treats you and acts towards you is most important. Similar to our last blog about saying “I Love You,” how someone treats you shows respect. The small hugs during the day, random flowers on occasion, showing support for daily activities, and knowing smiles all make the difference.
Lastly, both partners should respect what the other does for a living. And it certainly cannot be overstated, if one spouse/partner is able to stay home and be a mom/parent, that is as important a job as the person out earning income. There are more jobs and careers out there than you can shake a stick at. Having respect for your partner’s job or career means giving them support at all times. Every job or career will have ups and downs. Ups are great, but downs are hard. When your partner has a down time, respect is being able to support that partner through the tough time. And in that same vein, remember we are all human. The famous poet Alexander Pope said in the 1700’s, “To err is human.” None of us are perfect. If the down time is a result of a mistake your partner made, it’s not the time for criticism, but the time for support. That’s respect. Your partner will undoubtably feel great angst and anguish for whatever error led to the downtime. Respect, love and caring will help overcome the tide of the mistake and make your partner stronger. We have seen this multiple times through our life. When you make a mistake at work, it is definitely no fun. But, knowing you have support at home is strength to get through it. Strength, respect and love from your spouse or partner enables you to correct the error, learn from it and become a better person.
Hopefully, those are few and far between and when the times are good, celebrate with your partner! Share delight with your partner in his/her successes. Be proud of your partner’s accomplishments and always tell them. Having respect is great, but SHOWING respect is what makes a relationship stronger. In a great relationship, one can’t wait to come home and tell their partner about something good at work. Knowing the partner will share the excitement and positively reinforce the success is how relationships grow stronger even after many years.
And at the end of the day, respect often boils down to simply treating your partner right. Appreciate their opinion, even if different from your own, and always work to find common ground. Compliment your partner often on what they do to keep the home humming and compliment often their actions. Support your partner in times of stress and always show love. In a good relationship, respect and love go hand in hand. And while we’re at it, always reach for your partner’s hand when you are walking anywhere. It is a simple gesture that grows your bond on a daily basis.
DISCLAIMER: Neither Melissa or Kurt are trained therapists or marriage counselors. We are simply sharing our thoughts on what has worked for us over our 10 years of marriage and enabled us to be more in love today than the day we got married. We also learned a lot from previous unsuccessful marriages and are sharing some of those lessons.